3 Ways To Get Your Child To Listen (Without Yelling)
We've all been there. You're trying to get your child to follow a direction, and she protests, refusing to do it. How do you handle it?
Begin revoking privileges? Yell? Give up and do it yourself? Resort to bribery? These are all short term solutions that rarely result in lasting behavior change.
If you're looking for something that will be more effective in the long-term, we've put together a few tips to help you get your child to listen, using science!
Before you even deliver that instruction, stop and make sure you've put a few proactive strategies in place, such as:
A contingency contract - This is an agreement between you and your child, outlining expectations and reinforcement for meeting those expectations. It's a tangible document that reminds both parents and children alike that if they hold up their end of the bargain, you'll hold up yours.
Make it a game - Does your child like to dilly dally when getting ready in the morning? Make it a race to see who can get dressed the fastest! Embedding reinforcement within a non-preferred activity is a surefire way to increase compliance.
Grandma's Rule - Remember, you need to eat your vegetables before you can have dessert. Making sure that less-fun activities (such as hair washing) are completed before more-fun activities (such as playtime in the bath) will help motivate your child to get through that undesirable task.
Now that you've got your proactive strategies in place, go ahead and deliver that instruction.
She listened! That's it, right?
Not so fast! Remember, we don't want this to be a one-time occurrence, we want her to listen all the time (within reason, of course)! Reinforcement is the key to increasing the occurrence of behavior, so make sure that you reinforce the behavior you want to see more of. Reinforcement comes in many forms: praise, thanks, high fives, a special treat at the end of the day. However you do it, acknowledge the behavior you want to see more of 5-8 times more often than you say no or attempt to "punish" behavior.
She's still not listening!! Now what do I do?
Your next move will depend on the specific situation, but here are a few pointers:
Remind her about the fun activity that's coming up next, or that special treat she gets at the end of the day for being a good listener.
If it's safe to do so, ignore the inappropriate behavior and leave the room. A good example of this would be a child refusing to go to bed. Your response? Say goodnight, turn down the lights, and head to bed yourself. Congratulations! You've just removed the reinforcement (which is most likely your attention, and if your child is younger, toys) for inappropriate behavior. Remember to resume reinforcement (your attention and praise) once she's back on task.
If your child doesn't understand the direction, or needs additional assistance, praise what she did independently, and be available to offer assistance. Sometimes children don't put on a weather appropriate outfit or can't physically complete specific tasks. We want her to be successful, so have realistic expectations and be available to assist when necessary.
Most importantly, be consistent in your responses and expectations, catch her "being a good listener," and acknowledge the behavior you want to see more of 5-8 times more often than you say no or attempt to "punish" behavior.
Now get out there and parent, with science!